Ducktape (duct tape?) Age

Historians will tell you that in 1942, humanity effectively exited the Iron Age and entered the Ducktape Age. Some English scholars may quibble about the spelling of the name for this new era, some preferring Duck tape, Duck Tape or even Duct Tape instead, but I will refrain from entering into a discussion over such subtleties.

It was also brought to my attention that the People Down Under -for whom everything including history is upside down- use the term Duct Tape to refer to another, far less important type of sticky tape that is used in the preparation of vegemite, the ultimate performance-enhancing substance for endurance racers.

Ducktape prototype for the Golden Gate

Anyone watching the hugely popular show MythBusters will know that every invention known to man can be improved upon by Ducktape and that includes power meters. I remember that at the USAC coaching meeting, Hunter Allen told us that some athletes do better when you cover their power meter readout with Ducktape, so as to take away a distraction.

And so it is that due to my recent crashes I was forced to use the almighty Ducktape to temporarily improve my helmet in the following fashion:

Don't try this at home!

Now, before you grab your quill and ink canister to write me an email about safety, responsibility and other outrages related to this fix, let me remind you that NASA used Ducktape to fix the airflow in the infamous Apollo 13 incident, and later again for Apollo 17 to fix their moon buggy. Anything good enough for NASA is good enough for me.

Ducktape fender on the moon

On second thought, maybe Ducktape was the reason Apollo 18 failed! After watching the trailer, I did order a replacement helmet forthwith.

And for your further enjoyment, here are some daguerrotypes illustrating the latest petrol prices:

Up and up

I have heard a rumor that due to these unreasonably high fuel prices, competitors in the upcoming and infamous Paris-Roubaix race will be using human powered bicycles for propulsion. I wonder how many of these will sport Ducktape enhancements!

A very rough night

I had a very rough night last night. The rib pain is now my major problem. The shoulder hurts too but I can easily find positions where it hurts very little. As long as I avoid certain movements (especially raising my arm or putting my elbow forward) there is no issue. I can type just fine for example, with very little pain. My hip is no longer very painful either. Just a bit where the skin got an imprint from the roadway. But the rib pain is not getting any easier.

A road rash tattoo on my hip

Although you can take shallow breaths, which I am definitely doing, you can't totally avoid movement in your chest ever. Since every movement hurts that is not good. The background pain from my chest is always there and it is pretty bad, even with the pain killers. But that is not all. You can't very well go without coughing or sneezing and that REALLY hurts. It is totally surprising to me how often I cough (I was warned by the orthopedist that humans cough more often than they think) even though I have no colds or other respiratory issues such as allergies. I also suspect the shallow breathing makes it necessary for me to clear out airways more frequently.

I was shown how to cough with a pillow on the ribs to minimize the pain, but that only goes so far. And sneezing is far less predictable.

Despite the vicodin and a healthy dose of ibuprofen, I did not sleep well. I woke up at 4 AM and was quite sweaty. I had a hard time getting up and doing so only increased the pain further. I also got cold and felt even more miserable then. With my arm out of commission I cannot move my covers as easily and that surely had a lot to do with me getting too hot and sweaty.

I found out that one holds one's breath when getting up from the couch or bed. At least that is what I think is happening. You probably stabilize your chest so the long back muscles -the ones that get up you upright have a firm contact point. Or maybe I can just feel them contracting against a damaged rib cage? The latter sounds less convincing since they do not insert that far laterally on the rib. I have the distinct feeling I hold my breath to get up. It is something I never noticed before. One thing about getting hurt is that you suddenly realize all the unconscious movements you make to achieve something simple.

No more training for now. Deep breathing is no longer an option. Plus the shoulder makes riding dangerous and running next to impossible.

Another picture of my damaged helmet. You can see the missing chunk and a big scratch higher up.